Rhythm ~
My life has a rhythm. There is the night and day, the summer and the winter, classes and not classes. I want to change the rhythm of life. I don’t want the rhythm of my life to settle on a particular beat.
For about three years I have had a barely controlable urge to cash out. Take all my chips up, go to an entirely new place. I’ve wanted to run away for years. I think I will finally have my chance as I graduate this may. I want to keep running and not look back. I don’t want to ignore a reason to look back. I don’t want to have a reason to look back. I want to let go, be free.
I don’t want everything to go away. I want to go away. Clemson has been a wonderful place, if for only one thing. My education has been the only useful thing form the past 6 years. Education from classes, learning about myself, friends teaching me entirely new ways of thinking. However, I feel like I could rip my skull apart and pull my brain out living here.
Do I hate the idea of living somewhere? I don’t know. I’ve only lived here. I know I could enjoy living somewhere else more. It might be possible that I don’t like living anywhere. I might be a vagabond?
I need to move faster. There is too much planning, too much pre-guessing. Do I want to make poor choice? No, of course not. Many choices don’t matter, I need to stop worrying about those. A night at home can be great, a weekend at home can be the start of a death. Can I do better? I don’t know. I do know I can try harder.The frontier of possibilities for my life is so vast I could hardly understand where it might end up. I don’t want to end up anywhere.
Less abstractly, what does this mean? Saying right now more, instead of waiting for a better time. Fuck being idle.
